EARTH – After spending 13 billions years drifting across interstellar space, a speck of stardust is pissed that it’s now you – a nobody in the overall grand scheme of the universe.
Before arriving on Earth, it travelled the vastness of time and space and was part of an infinite number of things. It spent time as part of the asteroid Juno, in a space cloud, a sentient being it can’t talk about with mere humans, and as matter ejected during a black hole formation in a NGC3783 galaxy. Once it arrived on Earth, it was really hoping to be part of something cool, like a narwhal or the first pair of Skims Kim Kardashian ever modeled on Instagram.
Speaking to us exclusively, the stardust told us all about why it’s so upset.
“I have a friend who is now Tom Hanks! Super rich and the friendliest guy in Hollywood. I’m stuck being YOU – someone who rarely travels more than 25 km from their house ’cause they can’t afford a vacation instead of exploring intergalactic space,” complained your stardust. “Don’t ask me how I got to be you. I am quantum physics, I don’t have to explain quantum physics”
The pre-solar grains that make up your best friend agreed.
“He’s really not the coolest guy in the world. I mean we used to travel light years in the time it takes him to find his keys. We both thought that Earth would be better than it is,” explained your best friend. “Now, we’re just counting down the 5 billion years until the sun becomes a red giant, the Earth explodes, and we can go back to doing what we love – exploring galaxies as the dirt of the universe.”
Cosmic particles who had traveled with this stardust aren’t surprised that it ended up being you.
“That speck was the most annoying bit of space grime that I ever had to spend millennia hang out with,” said the particles that are now part of the only Thorne-Zytkow object, HV 2112. “I know a lot of us are happy he’s now stuck on Earth. Hopefully, if he ever escapes Earth he ends up in a blackhole.”
Currently, the stardust is counting down the days ’til you die and hoping that it doesn’t just get trapped in an underground coffin.
Jesus Christ is King
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