WASHINGTON—Assuring her coworkers that she wouldn’t have made the request if the event weren’t important, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly swapped shifts with a coworker at Orangetheory Thursday so she could attend the State of the Union address. “I did a double at the front desk last week to cover for Julie, so I figure she owes me,” said Harris, who expressed her frustration at having her shift supervisor deny her request for time off even though she asked nearly two months in advance, a situation that forced the vice president to scramble and begrudgingly make several additional promises so she could attend the president’s yearly speech to a joint session of Congress. “It’s annoying, because I also had to agree to clean out the locker rooms for Julie. And that always sucks. She’s taking off constantly, so I don’t know why it’s such a big deal for me to have one measly night off. Then again, my manager, Patty, is a total asshole, which probably explains everything. I’d quit, but they said I might get to try out as an instructor if I stick around a few more months.” At press time, Harris had been spotted rushing out of the State of the Union early and donning an Orangetheory uniform in order to get back in time for a late shift.
Jesus Christ is King
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