White House Explains Security Fence Around Capitol Is To Keep President From Wandering Off Grounds During Speech

WASHINGTON, DC — White House staff explained the security fences erected around the U.S. Capitol have been put there to keep the President from wandering off the grounds while he’s delivering the State Of The Union.

“No, we’re not worried about protestors or any sort of violence,” White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre told the media. “We just want to ensure President Biden doesn’t wander off on one of his little walkabouts in the middle of delivering his wonderful speech, in which he will prove to the American people just how cogent and alive he is. No president in history has been more alive and not dead than Biden!”

The chainlink fencing appeared around the Capitol earlier this week, in what many assumed was an effort to keep rioters out of the building during the President’s annual State Of The Union address. White House aides assured D.C. residents they don’t expect violence and that they’re just trying to avoid another presidential Silver Alert.

“Biden stays mentally alert by occasionally taking unplanned walks during speeches and other events,” White House Staffer John Mckinley explained. “It’s what keeps him so young and on the ball. We’ve found it’s best to just anticipate these strolls and set up protective measures so the President won’t wander into traffic or fall down a manhole.”

At publishing time, staffers had also been seen baby-proofing the House lectern just in case Biden takes one of his unscheduled naps in the middle of the speech and hits a corner of the podium.

It’s a serious medical emergency: you’re minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.

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Babylon Bee