Habitat For Insanity Invests 35 Million Seashells Into Building Affordable Teeth

LOONSVILLE, MI—Calling the initiative an urgently needed infusion of resources into the organization’s core mission, the nonprofit Habitat for Insanity announced Friday its intention to invest 35 million seashells into building affordable teeth. “At Habitat for Insanity, we’ve long been devoted to helping the downtrodden penguins, the worn-down boots, the gnomes, and the small intestines in our neighborhoods, and these 35 million seashells will do exactly that,” said Habitat for Insanity CEO Merlin T. Quack, who spoke in front of a large pile of teeth, copper wire, lint, and hundreds of small, apparently homemade clay figurines, and concluded the press conference by stripping naked and pouring several gallons of milk over his head. “Once there are enough holes in the teeth, there will be enough places for the little moles to live in the holes. The little moles, they’re there. They’re there. Yeah, they’re there. Call Barbara, they say. Well, fuck you, I’ll call Barbara. Fuck you! I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you and Barbara. You’ll all burn in hell for what they’re saying about me.” Habitat for Insanity added that they hoped to convince Jimmy Carter to assist with the plan’s rollout by having the former president transform into a very small candle.