Ozempic Maker Triumphantly Announces New Drug That Makes Obese Person Disappear Entirely

COPENHAGEN, DENMARK—In what the pharmaceutical company hailed as a major breakthrough in weight management, Ozempic maker Novo Nordisk triumphantly announced a new drug Friday that makes obese people disappear entirely. “Although our previous treatment could significantly reduce the patient’s BMI, what we’re talking about here is a total loss of bodily weight down to the last ounce,” CEO Lars Fruergaard Jørgensen said of the new drug, which will be released under the name Evanovia and promises to eliminate 100% of a user’s fat, flesh, limbs, and vital organs. “The flaw we discovered in our earlier efforts was that they left behind the core of the problem: the overweight person themselves. Our trials with Evanovia, however, show that it now takes just one injection and within 12 hours any obese individual will start rapidly thinning before finally melting out of existence completely.” At press time, critics had warned about a rash of influencers, models, and actresses who were using the drug to vanish despite not being overweight themselves.