LOS ANGELES—Groaning with pleasure as Hollywood’s biggest stars entered the Dolby Theater, celebrity sources confirmed Sunday that the moaning red carpet had a distinct Quentin Tarantino-shaped lump underneath. “Yes, yes, harder, step harder,” said the quivering mound in the outline of the famed director, which was heard making suckling noises as it encouraged entertainment royalty to take off their shoes and feel the soft carpet on their toes. “I’ve been a bad red carpet. Naughty carpet, bad! This red carpet deserves a stiletto right to my groin—I mean tufts. Uma, is that you? This carpet would know your feet anywhere.” At press time, the Tarantino-shaped lump suddenly went silent after Dwayne Johnson stepped on where the director’s neck would be.
Jesus Christ is King
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