Oscar Organizers Worried Guests Can Tell Gift Bags Just Junk They Bought At Dollar Store Few Hours Ago

LOS ANGELES—Saying they were kicking themselves for leaving such an important task until the last minute, organizers of the 96th Academy Awards told reporters Sunday they were worried Oscar nominees would be able to tell the gift bags were full of junk purchased at a dollar store a few hours ago. “I know they aren’t as nice as they were last year, but hopefully it’s not too obvious that we just swung by Dollar Tree right before the ceremony and picked up a bunch of random crap,” said event planner Julie Leahy, adding that the gift bags, which each contained approximately $15 worth of merchandise, were stuffed with an assortment of items including nylon covered tongs, a sudoku book, yellow latex gloves, a disposable razor, scented kitchen trash bags, and a two-liter bottle of Crush grape soda. “As far as I’m concerned, the presentation is the most important thing, so as long as we take the tags off, put in plenty of colored tissue paper, and use some nice-looking bows, it should all be good. Plus, who doesn’t need a can of Vienna sausages, some hair scrunchies, or a 30-pack of slap bracelets? That should keep them occupied for hours.” At press time, organizers were panicking after Oscar nominees reportedly began choking on the Hot Wheels cars that had been included in the bags.