NEW YORK—Hunched over a pint of beer, Paul Giamatti’s fake lazy eye from The Holdovers was reportedly drunkenly watching the Oscars broadcast from a corner of the dive bar, sources confirmed Sunday. “Turn it up, turn it up, I can’t hear!” said the prosthetic eyeball, which slurred its words as it tried to tell everyone in the vicinity that it had been invited to the 2024 Academy Awards ceremony, but had chosen to eschew it because everyone was “uptight.” “You guys saw it right? You saw me in The Holdovers? Giamatti’s not going to win. He doesn’t stand a chance. Alexander Payne, he’s the director, he told me I should have been the nominee, but his hands were tied. That’s fine by me. I don’t like the spotlight anyway. I’d rather be here.” At press time, the eyeball was boasting that it was up to be Quasimodo’s eye in the Disney live-action remake of The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
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