THE HEAVENS—Emphasizing His Eternal Kingdom’s infinite supply of prime real estate “just waiting to be developed,” the Lord God Almighty announced plans Monday to bulldoze heaven and build luxury condominiums. “Soon we will begin demolition on the starry firmament and break ground on exclusive, state-of-the art residences that, with their high-end finishes and lavish amenities, will deliver opulent living in heaven on high,” said God, who reigns omnipotent over all creation, adding that He had partnered with a developer willing to invest $40 billion dollars in order to build the massive complex, which will feature 600 sleek multimillion-dollar apartments with unobstructed floor-to-ceiling views of the entire universe. “To improve access to the new site, we will begin by tearing out heaven’s gold-paved streets and replacing them with an elevated expressway that will allow condo owners to bypass all the neighborhoods in purgatory. And when we’re finished, the property will be occupied by lavish, spectacular new homes that include valet parking, concierge services, private balconies, indoor and outdoor pools, eternal life, and a health club.” The Lord later told reporters the Pearly Gates were not slated for demolition, explaining that just like heaven, the new development would be a gated community.
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