‘I Wish I Had Your Metabolism,’ Sighs Woman Seeing Garfield Swallow Whole Lasagna In One Gulp

INDIANAPOLIS—Pushing around a limp salad in a bowl, local woman Danielle Guerra reportedly sighed and said, “I wish I had your metabolism,” Monday upon seeing Garfield swallow a whole lasagna in one gulp. “You’re so lucky that you can eat that stuff all the time and not gain any weight,” Guerra said as her eyes moved over the syndicated comic strip’s third panel, in which a two-dimensional cartoon cat opens his mouth wide enough to toss in the contents of a deep casserole dish and swallow with a denoted “gulp.” “What’s your secret? Must be genetics, since you’ve made your disdain for exercise quite clear over the years. I used to be able to eat like that in my 20s, but now I can barely swallow one layer of pasta, sauce, and cheese whole, let alone five at a time.” At press time, Guerra reportedly stuck to her diet by opting instead for a whole fish, pulling its intact skeleton out of her mouth as she licked her lips.