NORFOLK, VA—Reaching the decision after an extensive discussion amongst the military branch’s leadership, the U.S. Navy announced Friday its plan to phase out all wet activities over the coming year. “Although wetness has long defined the Navy’s operations, we’ve concluded that getting wet is really more trouble than it’s worth,” said Chief of Naval Operations Admiral Lisa Franchetti, who noted that a major factor in the decision to remove all 336,978 active personnel from the water was the emotional and physical toll of being totally drenched and cold out in the field without so much as a clothes dryer around to warm up their uniforms. “There’s also seasickness, falling overboard, and—Jesus Christ—drowning. That’s probably the worst part of it all. So, yeah, no more boats, submarines, or scuba gear. Hell, even mopping the deck with a bucket of water is a bit much. Our sailors will only be fighting on good ol’ terra firma from here on out, thank you very much.” Franchetti also clarified that the Navy would be fine if someone found a way to put a boat on dry land, but didn’t entirely grasp what the point of that would be.
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