Nation’s Burly Chefs Announce Plans To Cover Their Meaty Hands In Tattoos

NEW YORK—Rolling up their sleeves to reveal an illustration of a whisk or a fried egg inked on each of their forearms, the nation’s burly chefs announced plans Wednesday to completely cover their meaty hands in tattoos also. “We, the nation’s barrel-chested chefs, will continue to cover our plump little sausage fingers with inscrutable tattoos of various vegetables, utensils, and letters of the alphabet,” said Richie Brewer, executive chef at Manhattan’s West Side Brasserie, holding up a drawing of their next tattoo, a radish with the tear-stained face of an old woman that would be a tribute to their grandmothers, who taught them how to cook. “The ones on our knuckles will spell out ‘salt,’ because we all use salt in our cooking. And we’ll probably get one of a pad of French butter on the back of one hand. The meaning behind this tattoo will be our love of French butter. We’ll probably just fill in the gaps with some skulls or Celtic runes or whatever.” At press time, reports confirmed the nation’s burly chefs had all gotten matching tattoos of a pork chop to commemorate the day they announced plans to keep getting tattoos.