Do you lack empathy, attempt to control others, exhibit impulsive behavior, or lie about all those things to seem normal? Take our quiz to find out if you are a sociopath.
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Q: Sociopaths often struggle with empathy. How would you feel if we told you our tum-tum hurts from eating too many Airheads?
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A: Not even a single tear? Over our very sick tum-tums? You’re definitely a sociopath, freak.
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Q: In what location are you currently taking this test?
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A: Answers for a positive diagnosis include the Capitol building, any corner office, and the front seat of a police car while you wait for the gyro place to open at 10 a.m.
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Q: Do you use your intelligence, charm, or charisma to manipulate others?
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A: Hey, it’s not manipulation if the compliment is true. So what do you say I buy you a drink, you handsome devil.
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Q: Would you like to take on the title chief executive officer?
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A: If the answer is yes, then you are a sociopath.
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Q: Do you often feel like you cannot understand or connect with others, like you are an island unto yourself?
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A: Don’t we all… Uh, sorry. What? Yeah, never mind. Definite sociopathy.
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Q: Have you ever done something to intentionally hurt an animal?
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A: Mr. Jangles enjoys wearing his footie pajamas very much.
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Q: Have you crafted your personality specifically to manipulate those around you?
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A: This suggests you are either a sociopath or a popular teen TikTok influencer.
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Q: Do you consistently fail to fulfill work obligations?
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A: Sorry, can’t answer right now. We’ll do it later.
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Q: Are you the character Pyramid Head in the video game Silent Hill 2?
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A: If so, yeah, sorry, bud. You’ve shown the lack of empathy and tendency toward violence that often characterize sociopathy.
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Q: Do you regularly play the tuba?
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A: Often confused for a personality disorder, playing the tuba simply makes you a tuba player.
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Q: Do you often find yourself in fights over American Idol season eight’s crowning of Kris Allen over vocal powerhouse Adam Lambert?
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A: Oops, sorry. This question was meant for our ‘Are You A Glambert?’ test.
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Q: Have you ever stopped texting someone you were dating out of the blue with no explanation?
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A: Sociopath—plus a narcissist, asshole, pig, and liar who deserves to have their tires slashed.
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Q: Is your personality characterized by arrogance, a lack of shame, a reckless disregard for human safety, a sexual desire for cartoon frogs, and necrotizing fasciitis in your perineum area?
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A: Sorry, we don’t know what that combination means.
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Q: Do you tend to smoke cigarettes, wear a leather jacket, or slick your hair into a pompadour?
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A: These are telltale signs of a bad boy, not a sociopath.
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Q: What did you do to our pet cat, you monster?!
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A: You can just get a new one.
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Q: How many people have you eaten?
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A: Sociopaths don’t eat people, idiot. But to answer your question, four.
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Q: Do you often use charm to manipulate others?
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A: Forget this silly test. What I want to know is have you ever been diagnosed as beautiful?
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Q: Are you a famous trumpet man from out Chicago way who has a boogie style that no one else can play?
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A: Possibly a sociopath, but it’s far more likely you’re a boogie-woogie bugle boy of Company B.
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Q: Did you send your only son down to earth to be crucified for the sins of man?
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A: Extremely sociopathic behavior.
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