Backpedaling Aaron Rodgers Meets With Sandy Hook Parents To Brag About How Fast Achilles Healed

FLORHAM PARK, NJ—Revealing that he had taken time to reflect on the dangerous and harmful conspiracy theories that he had spread about the tragic mass shooting, backpedaling Aaron Rogers met with the parents of Sandy Hook victims Thursday to brag about how fast his Achilles healed. “It’s’ been a long, hard road since I tore my Achilles in back in September, but now I’m happy to announce that I feel stronger than ever,” said the controversial quarterback for the New York Jets who, in a private meeting the victims’ families, spent several hours decrying the doctors who doubted his recovery and then proceeded to run several passing drills to demonstrate his incredible range of strength, speed, and motion. “I know how devastating this kind of loss can be, because when I first got put on the IR list, my doctors said that it could take a whole season to get back to my old self again. It’s a good lesson that we must do everything to protect the most precious and important members of society: our quarterbacks.” At press time, Rodgers announced to the families of the Sandy Hook victims that he’d made a $10 million donation in their honor to Dr. Neal ElAttrache, the private orthopedic surgeon who performed his operation.