ARLINGTON, VA—Lauding the grizzled figure who has a large scar running down his left cheek, Boeing has promoted a mysterious employee known only as “The Panther,” sources confirmed Thursday. “The entire Boeing family would like to extend a big congratulations to The Panther, who has recently proven that his loyalty to this company truly knows no bounds,” said Boeing CEO Dave Calhoun, who described The Panther’s role as “a little bit operations, a little bit corporate security, a little bit human resources.” “I understand that many Boeing employees may be surprised by the promotion of The Panther, given that they perhaps haven’t heard of or seen him before. Not being seen or heard is, in fact, part of The Panther’s job. But I assure you The Panther has been and will continue to be a significant presence at all of our offices and plants.” At press time, sources reported that a LinkedIn summary for The Panther simply read “I solve problems.”
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