Hitman Keeps Trying To Upsell Client On Dissolving Target’s Corpse In Vat Of Acid

VIENNA—In an apparent attempt to persuade his customer that the additional fees would pay for itself in peace of mind, sources confirmed Thursday that local hitman Vincent Klein kept trying to upsell his client on dissolving the target’s corpse in a vat of acid. “It’s, like, I get it for some things—definitely, I’m happy that he convinced me to add on the silencer on his sniper rifle—but at the end of the day I just want the deputy finance minister dead, and whatever happens after that is his business,” said Officer 49 of an international consortium known only as The Collective, insisting that the fee of €1.5 million in untraceable bills should more than cover everything needed for the assassination of the government official during a performance of Don Giovanni at the Vienna State Opera. “I appreciate him throwing in filing off the guy’s fingerprints, but then he turns around and says that it really wouldn’t make a difference unless I put in the extra half-mil for corpse disposal and limb removal. Then he goes off and says he has to speak to his master on the phone to get me a discount. But I can tell there isn’t anyone on the other line. It all just seems super sleazy.” At press time, Officer 49 told reporters that he was so frustrated by the whole ordeal that he might just hire another hitman to assassinate his initial hire.