Owner Of Shuttered Hermit Crab Kiosk Probably Retired To Private Tropical Island

COLUMBUS, OH—Pleased to see his years of hard work had finally paid off, sources confirmed Wednesday that the owner of the shuttered hermit crab kiosk at the mall had probably retired to his own private tropical island. “Good for him,” said one of the sources, who smiled wistfully as they imagined the now fabulously wealthy former kiosk lessee lounging on a white sand beach somewhere in the Caribbean with a frozen piña colada in his hand. “I always knew he’d make it big-time one day, and it looks like he’s finally done it. I bet he has a girlfriend in a coconut bikini and goes surfing every day. I wonder how many boats he has.” At press time, sources added that they were just surprised the man hadn’t sold his business to one of the hermit crabs.