Study Finds Sexual Satisfaction Highest Among Nerds Covered In Lipstick Marks With Glasses Askew

PHILADELPHIA—In a new study published Friday in the latest issue of the International Journal Of Sexual Health, researchers found that among the human population, sexual satisfaction ranked highest among nerds covered in lipstick marks with their glasses askew. “This phenomenon appears across the globe and in all cultures, with no one experiencing erotic fulfillment as intense as that of a nerd left dizzy by a highly improbable romantic encounter with a total babe,” said Jaime LeBaron, a University of Pennsylvania sociologist and lead author of the study, who noted that the dweeb’s gratification was often marked by a dazed smile and a remark like “You sure can’t learn that in chemistry class,” after which they would let out a long, contented sigh and faint dead away. “The 93% rate of satisfaction reported by these dorks was far higher than any other demographic, especially when they were involved with a busty woman who was much taller than them, causing her cleavage to be right at eye level.” The study found that the 7% of lipstick-covered nerds who expressed dissatisfaction complained that their tie had come off during the encounter and they were not able to retie it without help from their mom.