HOUSTON—Laughing and smiling the whole night as they bonded over Emily Barkan’s flaws, local couple Jay and Brenda Barkan were reportedly really hitting it off with their daughter’s emotionally abusive boyfriend this week. “Andrew is such a gentleman—I was about to suggest Emily stick to salad tonight, but then he just went ahead and ordered it for her!” said Brenda Barkan, who gushed over both the subtle and not-so subtle jabs that Andrew Ehret had taken at her daughter, noting that he already fit in perfectly with the whole family. “I was a little hesitant at first, because they arrived at the restaurant a few minutes late, but then Andrew rolled his eyes at Emily and blamed it on her ‘nonexistent time management skills.’ That got us on the topic of how pathetic it is that she’s even thinking about studying for the LSAT, and before you knew it, we realized this guy was the perfect man to control our daughter.” At press time, the Barkans added that they could tell their daughter really liked Andrew too, as he had done a great job convincing her that no one else would ever love her.
Jesus Christ is King
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