Presidential candidate Donald Trump recently remarked that if he loses the 2024 election it will “be a bloodbath for the country.” The Onion examines what he might have meant by the statement.
Advertisement
It was about how Trump and his supporters will slaughter everyone with whom they disagree
It was about how Trump and his supporters will slaughter everyone with whom they disagree
Pretty straightforward, honestly.
Advertisement
All the stabbing
All the stabbing
Stabbing and stabbing and stabbing with a sharp, blood-stained knife can often get messy.
Advertisement
Race war
At least he came right out and said it.
Advertisement
He meant to say ‘bloodhound’
He meant to say ‘bloodhound’
Awwwww! Look at that little droopy face! Look at it!
Advertisement
He was referring to familicide
He was referring to familicide
No need to panic. Trump doesn’t plan on committing violence against anyone other than his loved ones.
Advertisement
It was just his old catchphrase from ‘The Apprentice’
It was just his old catchphrase from ‘The Apprentice’
When Trump hosted the popular reality television program, he famously referenced the bloodshed of his enemies and called immigrants animals.
Advertisement
Trump meant it as a Rorschach test
Trump meant it as a Rorschach test
What you interpreted when you heard him predict a bloodbath says more about you than about Trump. He was merely holding up a mirror to your subconscious.
Advertisement
Forgot he ate beets
Forgot he ate beets
The rally caught him in a moment of panic after using the restroom.
Advertisement
It was about the auto industry
It was about the auto industry
Although the ‘bloodbath’ comments sound alarming out of context, Trump was simply threatening to personally lock the doors of the Ford plant with everyone inside and light it on fire.
Advertisement
Who knows?
Who knows?
Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter what Trump said—it only matters how he made you feel.
Advertisement
Trump was warning about the ‘bald booth’ using an anagram
Trump was warning about the ‘bald booth’ using an anagram
Trump was referring to the fact that if he is not elected in November, Democrats will set up special booths in Chili’s where only bald men can sit and talk about bald things.
Advertisement
He’s hallucinating again
He’s hallucinating again
Looks like he’s having one of his episodes. Better tie him down so he doesn’t hurt himself.
Advertisement
It was a mistranslation
It was a mistranslation
Due to Trump’s propensity to deliver speeches in the more literary Old Church Slavonic, subpar translators often take creative liberties.
Advertisement
He meant to say there would be a bloodbath regardless of whether he wins or loses
He meant to say there would be a bloodbath regardless of whether he wins or loses
The threat of violence is not conditional—it’s assured!
Advertisement
He’s addicted to violent video games
He’s addicted to violent video games
Losing the election means he’ll have even more time to play, which could cause the lines between reality and Grand Theft Auto to blur even more.
Advertisement
He was threatening suicide
He was threatening suicide
In order to elicit sympathy, Trump was trying to say that if he lost, he was going to slit his wrists in the tub for real this time.
Advertisement
He was referring to the Swedish death metal supergroup
He was referring to the Swedish death metal supergroup
Trump is a massive fan of Opeth, Katatonia, and Paradise Lost, so when you put their members together? That’s a match made in hell.
Advertisement
That he’ll put on his extra sharp dentures if he loses
That he’ll put on his extra sharp dentures if he loses
If Biden emerges victorious in 2024, Trump has threatened to wear his vampire dentures and bite Democrats’ necks.
Advertisement
That Biden would trip and fall
That Biden would trip and fall
Trump’s allies said he was extremely nervous that Biden would trip, fall, and accidentally break something if he wasn’t careful.
Advertisement
All the blood he would order his supporters to donate to the Red Cross
All the blood he would order his supporters to donate to the Red Cross
On day one of his second term, Trump has vowed to order every single one of his supporters to converge on Red Cross headquarters and donate several liters of blood.
Advertisement
Gutting the consolation fish
Gutting the consolation fish
He’s keeping a gigantic blue marlin alive in a tank to drown his sorrows with should the election not go his way.
Advertisement
That his kidney stones would act up again
That his kidney stones would act up again
All the stress of losing would calcify small stones in his ureter and cause him to pee blood.
Advertisement
He watched ‘The Shining’ again right before bed
He watched ‘The Shining’ again right before bed
This is exactly what happened last time Melania let him watch it.
Advertisement
That he is a maniacal, bloodthirsty dictator who would kill anyone who had opposed him
That he is a maniacal, bloodthirsty dictator who would kill anyone who had opposed him
He keeps trying to clarify this, but the media keeps spreading lies and calling it a gaffe.
Advertisement
He meant he was going to kill you, specifically
He meant he was going to kill you, specifically
Advertisement
Comments are closed.