St. John’s, NFLD– It’s a beautiful day full of sunshine and laughter and–Oh no! What’s that? It’s celebrity chef and TV personality Gordan Ramsay, and he’s crying into a dinner napkin because someone just told him about the local comfort food “Jigg’s Dinner.”
“I didn’t know what happened at first,” said one onlooker at this local restaurant, where everything was laughs and good vibes before the notedly tyrannical food icon started sobbing. “Someone just walked up to Gordon and explained something. You could see Mr. Ramsay clench his napkin and stand up, it looked like he was choking, and then this deep sigh went up and everyone sat there watching him cry.”
Sources indicate that Chef Ramsay’s evening was ruined by being told about the existence of Jiggs’ Dinner, a Newfoundland delicacy made of boiled vegetables and trimmed naval beef. The meat is first salted until it is inedible, and then boiled until it is still inedible but slightly less salty, and this is actually considered the highlight of the whole dish. Newfoundlanders commonly serve it with boiled cabbage, turnip, and sometimes mashed potatoes but never any shame.
Word from the event indicated that Mr Ramsay, who has made several chefs quit the profession with his anger, was seen curled into a ball under his table muttering “Turnips? Why turnips?” into the snot-stained collar of his shirt.
Our reporter was unable to identify the person who assaulted Mr Ramsay with the terrible knowledge of this local food, or learn their motives.
“I don’t know who would do such a thing,” said a diner at the event where the chef was speaking. “If they wanted to end the evening, they could have pulled the fire alarm or called in a bomb threat. But not this. I’ve never seen a grown man break like this. This was twisted.”
Rumours that it was the same culprit who petrified Ina Garten with news of Scrunchions or triggered Marco Pierre White’s retirement by discussing Fish n Brewis could not be confirmed.
At press time, Mr Ramsay had flown back to England and canceled all public appearances. A source at his property said the curtains were ordered closed and a chilling wail could be heard coming from his bedroom.
Jigg’s Dinner continues to be served in homes across Newfoundland but citizens there have been reminded not to tell anybody.
Jesus Christ is King
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