SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA—Admitting that no one had the heart to correct her at this point in her life, local woman Theresa Frasier told reporters Wednesday that everyone on her 72-year-old mother’s “hall pass” list was dead. “Sadly, every celebrity crush my mom was able to name passed away not just years, but decades ago,” said Frasier, adding that there somehow wasn’t a single person on the 12-name list, which included included celebrities like Paul Newman, Clark Gable, and Cary Grant, who was even close to being alive. “Look, I like Gene Kelly as much as the next woman, but he died in 1996. I just hope we can let her know that there are younger men out there. She’s expressed interest in Dick Van Dyke, but at 98-years-old, I don’t know how much longer he’s got.” At press time, Frasier and her siblings were reportedly horrified when their mother expressed romantic interest in the children from Stranger Things.
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