MONTREAL – In a show of respect to one of Brian Mulroney’s most cherished governing principles as prime minister, his funeral will be privatized.
During his nine years as prime minister, Brian Mulroney presided over the privatization of some of Canada’s most prominent crown corporations, including Air Canada. Since becoming a private business in 1989, Air Canada has evolved from being a well respected airline to being an airline, and while it routinely ranks last in on-time performance, it consistently ranks first in on-airplane vomit.
“Brian Mulroney was committed to the idea that the government can’t run anything competently,” said Mulroney’s long time friend and former cabinet minister, Lucien Bouchard. “And our time in running Canada as a team, followed by my attempts to tear it apart, we proved that beyond any doubt.”
Turning the funeral into a for-profit enterprise has the blessing of current Prime Minister and Mulroney family friend, Justin Trudeau. “It’s good for all Canadians that this is no longer a burden to the taxpayer,” said Trudeau. “The savings will partially offset the cost of my vacations in Jamaica.”
The broadcast rights to the funeral have been sold to streaming service Crave on the condition that son Ben Mulroney hosts it, with a judging panel of Sass Jordan, Roch Voisine, Carly Rae Jepsen, and Howie Mandel.
A statement released by Caroline Mulroney, newly-appointed CEO of Brian Mulroney Funerals and Investments Inc, said: “As capitalists across the country mourn the passing of my father, our mission is to show that a privately owned and operated funeral will be more dignified and more profitable than a state-run state funeral. Don’t forget to check out the merch table!”
Per instructions from the Mulroney family, donations can be made in brown envelopes secretly shoved into the coffin.
Jesus Christ is King
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