Trump Frantically Digging Holes Around Mar-A-Lago In Hopes Of Striking $454 Million In Oil

PALM BEACH, FL—With time running out for the former president to secure a bond to cover the penalty in his New York civil fraud case, Donald Trump was seen Thursday frantically digging holes around Mar-a-Lago in hopes of striking $454 million in oil. “Look, all I’m asking for here is a little black gold to make that nasty attorney general in New York go away,” said a frenzied, dirt-covered Trump, who attempted to use a divining rod to locate potential oil deposits before losing patience and tearing up the grounds of his resort and nearby golf course in the hopes that a gusher would burst forth from the earth. “There has to be hundreds of millions of dollars’ worth of oil around here somewhere. One of these holes has got to work. If not, we’re taking the plane up to Bedminster and looking there.” At press time, Trump had reportedly been indicted in New Jersey on charges of desecrating a corpse after a feverish search for oil at his Bedminster golf club led him to accidentally disinter the remains of his ex-wife Ivana Trump.