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Deep Bellow Of ‘I’m Hungry!’ Rolls Out Of Teenage Son’s Animal-Bone-Filled Den

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SHEBOYGAN, WI—Cowering with visible terror as the demand reverberated from the dank, cavernous space, Ricker family sources confirmed Friday that a deep bellow of “I’m hungry” had rolled out of their teenage son Caleb’s animal-bone-filled den. “Feed me! Put it in my mouth! More! More now!” the 15-year-old said in a gurgling baritone that shook the very foundation of his family’s two-story home, his movements causing mountains of Monster energy drink cans and gnawed-clean femurs to tumble out of his open door. “I need Wingstop! Jimmy John’s! I am growing, and I need meat. But don’t come in here. I’m playing Overwatch.” At press time, Caleb Ricker’s parents had reportedly blanched after sending the teenager’s younger brother inside to deliver a turkey sandwich, only to hear a single young boy’s scream and the wet sound of human bones being broken open for marrow.

The Onion

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