Everyone On Division III College Basketball Team 5-Foot-9

COLUMBUS, OH—Saying the roster was absolutely stacked with nimble little guys, sources confirmed Friday that every player on Fosser University’s Division III men’s basketball team was 5 feet, 9 inches tall. “Well, technically the center is 5-foot-9 and a half, and the shooting guard is 5-foot-8 and three quarters, but yeah, they’re all pretty much 5-foot-9,” said Fosser sophomore Tonya Marks, who watched from the bleachers as the team completed their pregame warm-up drills entirely on their tiptoes, noting that the players were about the same height as or shorter than most of the cheerleaders. “They may be scrappy, but some of them still can’t touch the bottom of the net. I think most of them are also on the Ultimate Frisbee team. Man, those jerseys go almost down to their knees.” At press time, sources added that everyone on the university’s DIII football team weighed 130 pounds.