Everything We Learned From Oprah’s Weight Loss Special

Hundreds of audience members audibly gasped when a screaming Winfrey held up the bloodied, decapitated head of the Weight Watchers CEO and put it on a sharp metal pike on stage.

In a symbolic gesture, Oprah revved the engine of a 30,000-pound bulldozer and crushed the hollow plastic body of a size-16 mannequin.

She called the four-pack of injectable pens one of the best pieces of literature published in the past century and encouraged women everywhere to give it a read.

Winfrey quickly lay down on a couch and began to audibly snore every time she was prompted to discuss the weight loss drugs’ side effects.

A cackling Winfrey announced that soon, everyone in America would be skinny, as she’d released several hundred tons of weight loss hormones into the nation’s drinking water.

Winfrey and audience members pointed and laughed for almost half an hour while throwing rotten fruit at a sobbing overweight woman.

Winfrey admitted that at the end of her journey, she hoped to be nothing but a weightless spirit floating through the ether with no bodily form to tether her to the physical realm.

Even the exorbitant cost is a blessing.

It will only become a problem if it continues into her 100s.

Imagine the money they’ll save now that they only need one pant-leg a piece.

They really should have edited out the 37 minutes where she was stuck halfway.

We honestly couldn’t focus on anything else.

We have got to find out who was wearing that spaghetti and meatballs costume.

Oprah revealed that with the help of medication, she is now able to shrink down to the size of a thumbtack or inflate to the size of a school bus at will and in mere seconds using only her mind.

It doesn’t help that Oprah gave a free case of Mounjaro to everyone in the audience.

She tried one of those Weight Watchers–branded brownies, and it tasted like shit.

The so-called lab leak theory of obesity has been widely discredited, however, as evidence suggests obesity began in a Wuhan wet market.

Winfrey was extremely candid about how easy, painless, and even satisfying it was to abandon the acceptance movement she’d pioneered for much of her career.

In an emotional appeal, the talk show host revealed she’d been struggling with obesity ever since she was just a clump of cells in her mother’s womb.

Despite having her own struggles with weight, Winfrey repeatedly yells “Wide load coming through!” at anyone who wears above a size 14.

Notably, all the fat you lose in your body travels up to your head, causing it to keep engorging until your giant head bursts and sprays human fat everywhere.

It takes a lot more money to keep Oprah on a boring points system now that there’s a shiny new miracle drug on the scene.