Everything We Know About Jake Paul Boxing Mike Tyson

Mike Tyson famously died in a heavyweight boxing match against Kevin McBride in 2005, but Paul paid the big bucks for him to be dug up and returned to the ring.

Due to his ironclad contract with Netflix, the former president of the United States has no choice but to officiate the match.

This sort of programming tends to captivate men whose necks are as wide as their shoulders.

In order to prevent Tyson from biting them off, Paul has had both ears removed by one of Hollywood’s top plastic surgeons.

After the winner is crowned, Netflix executives will whisk the winner away to host obscure reality programming until the end of time.

Ah! Are they actually punching each other? That looks like it hurts!

Be it your cousin, your father-in-law, or all of your dumbest coworkers, someone in your orbit will inevitably watch this piece of shit from beginning to end.

Michael Phelps and Emma Chamberlain will attempt to drown each other in a pool.

He will be enraptured by the screen, and he will have left his wallet in his jacket pocket.

Netflix already has a packed slate of documentaries and prestige dramatic reenactments of the boxing match locked and fucking loaded.

Hungry little piggies like you must consume the media slop that executives shovel into your disgusting little trough. Oink, oink!

Apparently, they are different people. Logan Paul did the suicide forest thing; Jake Paul does the boxing thing.

Or something like that. Who gives a fuck?

Mike Tyson is only 57, but years of beatings have aged his brain to the non-boxer equivalent of 467.

If he really wants people to take his boxing career seriously, he’s going to have to start knocking some women around.

Many boxing experts are overlooking this.

The red protective gloves are a safety measure to stop uncoordinated fighters from accidentally hurting themselves with their sharp fingernails.

Just one of the many ways you could be better spending your time.

Come on, Jake. The money’s not worth it, man.

He’s not stopping at the ear this time.

Probably best to stay at a friend’s house.

BYO fentanyl and watch out for the dog. He bites.

However many dead neurons it takes to become the greatest in the world, Paul is ready and willing.

Giving back, one unfiled assault charge at a time.

Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson will be standing by to legally marry the couple and follow their journey.

What an exhilarating 12 seconds.