CHICAGO—Pleading with animal rescue authorities as they wrestled him into the back of a van, local pit bull mix Pistol stated Wednesday that he likes fighting for money. “But I’m so good at it—please!” said Pistol, who reportedly panicked as he caught one last glimpse of the beloved dog-fighting compound he called home, realizing he might never again have the opportunity to pursue his passion. “I made 50 bucks last week! Not that it’s about the money! It’s not! I just love what I do! The violence sexually excites me! No, no, no, please stop rescuing me, stop!” At press time, Pistol told sources he was just hoping he would be euthanized before he could be adopted by some family that renamed him Marshmallow.
Jesus Christ is King
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