Easter Island – The Easter Bunny held a press conference yesterday to announce a radical change to the annual egg hunt tradition. Bunny is adding a moral framework to his delivery system, whereby naughty children will be given marshmallow Peeps.
“It’s my very own ‘scared straight’ program,” said Bunny. “Eating a Peep is enough to make you rethink your entire life, and it’s the wake up call that some of these brats need.”
The audience of young children – many of whom attended in hopes of a “Willy Wonka” type adventure – instantly burst into tears.
“Peeps are worse than nothing! ” wept 7 year-old Emily Carter.
“I prawmise me be good!” yelled 3 year-old Austin Hayes.
“You’re not even real!” screamed a child who was immediately escorted off the premises.
Bunny was undeterred by these outbursts, instead doubling down by saying that the really bad children would be gifted limited edition Peep flavors such as sour strawberry and Dr. Pepper.
“And as you know, those are inedible!” he threatened.
When that comment stunned the audience into silence, Bunny assured that well behaved children would still be rewarded with “the good shit” which he listed as Lindt gold chocolate bunnies, Reese’s Eggs, and “Easter cocaine” also known as Cadbury Mini Eggs.
Bunny shared with the Beaverton that while the change was partly inspired by longtime rival Santa Claus’ coal punishment system, he admits to cutting a deal with the Peeps brand to help them move inventory.
Peeps owner Jeffrey Ambers confirmed as much: “Our retailers say that Peeps have essentially become decorative display that they can reuse every Easter, ” he explained. “We may have been in business for over 70 years, but we don’t know who actually eats this stuff.”
Before ending the press conference, Bunny begrudgingly tried to offer some encouragement to his young fans: “If you find yourself about to act up, stop and ask ‘WWJD?’ Which I think stands for ‘What Would Judas Do?’ But I dunno, I’m not part of that side of Easter.”
Bunny then hopped off stage in an attempt to crowd-surf, crushing several attendees.
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