TORONTO – In response to a growing rash of armed robberies throughout the city, Toronto Police advised Canada’s banks to leave a big pile of money at the door of every branch to avoid being robbed.
“Criminals are becoming increasingly violent,” said Detective Robert Shannon of the 51 Division Robbery Squad. “That’s why we’re recommending that in order to avoid being the subject of a violent armed robbery, all banks leave a big pile of cash in the doorway or lobby vestibule of every branch. That way they can avoid the criminals entering the branch and potentially harming employees or customers before stealing the money anyway.”
Police also recommended that banks avoid posting armed security or implementing other anti-theft strategies such as placing dye-packs in the money, filming the criminals with security cameras, or calling 911, all of which could risk escalation.
“Bank robbers don’t want to hurt you, they just want your money, and your watch, your rings, your bag if it’s nice, and also maybe your phone too, but that’s probably it,” said Det. Shannon.
When asked by reporters how banks should prevent armed robbers who wish to access additional valuables in safety deposit boxes, police recommended that banks and their customers “sweeten the pot” for would-be bank robbers, offering up individual jewels, small bars of bold, stock certificates, and other personal valuables to further disincentivize criminals entering the bank.
“We know the temptation is to keep all money and valuables deep in the bank’s vault for safe keeping, but we assure banks that this is extremely short sighted thinking and puts their customers and employees at risk.”
For their part, Canada’s banks have expressed some skepticism regarding the advice, but say they are fully cooperating with law enforcement.
“We’re struggling to make sense of the advice,” said one RBC district supervisor, who oversees 300 retail branches. “But we don’t really have a choice. I mean, who else are we supposed to call when the silent alarm goes off? No seriously I’m asking, every time the alarm calls 9-11 someone just picks up and hums the busy signal until we hang up.”
At press time, Brinks announced they would begin storing money on the outside of the truck, the Toronto Car Dealership Association announced all cars on the lot would be stored fully gassed with the keys in the ignition, and the Royal Ontario Museum put out an assortment of gloves, bubble wrap, and other packaging supplies in order to assist would be thieves stealing priceless artifacts and works of art.
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