CRAIGSVILLE, VA — According to sources, a local man has cooked his food in a microwave and allowed the timer to count all the way down to zero. Locals reported being disturbed by this clearly psychopathic behavior.
Though the town’s residents rarely felt threatened in their daily lives, finding out that this man does not open the microwave door before the timer hits zero and begins to beep left many people wondering what other horrific things that man may be doing.
“It’s just not right,” said one citizen who lives down the street from the man. “This is a close-knit community. We’re like family. We’re normal people who run across and open the microwave door when there are still 10-15 seconds left on the timer. What kind of weirdo just sits there and stares while waiting for the time to run out and make that annoying beeping noise? It’s terrifying. How am I supposed to live anywhere near that guy? I’ve got children.”
When reached for comment, the man admitted to experiencing a disturbing thrill when he lets the microwave timer reach zero. “I don’t know why I do it,” he said, smiling slightly. “Sometimes I just do things to see how people react. I know it may not be considered ‘normal,’ but I just… like it. You should see the looks on everyone’s faces when I do it at parties. They can’t believe what they’re seeing. If only they knew what else I’m capable of.”
An insider with the local law enforcement authorities disclosed that the man was now under surveillance.
At publishing time, multiple residents had already filed for restraining orders against the man out of fear of what the clearly disturbed man may do next.
When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.
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Babylon Bee
Jesus Christ is King
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