U.S. — On the heels of news that the National Football League had instituted new rules regarding physicality in an effort to promote player safety, Major League Baseball voted to add hip-drop tackles to liven up the sport.
While a constant debate has raged for decades about whether baseball needs to add more excitement to the game to keep the attention of an evolving modern fanbase, MLB owners determined that injecting some brutality and increasing the level of violence on the field was a surefire way to create a buzz.
“It’s time to make baseball a little more dangerous,” said MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred. “As people’s interests have changed, we must change with it to stay relevant and exciting. Adding hip-drop tackles to the game and providing players with a new option of inflicting pain and injury on an opponent allows us to spice things up for the fans.”
Though some fans and analysts questioned the decision, others praised the rule change. “Just think of how exciting this could be!” said baseball fan Andrew Warren. “The next time you see a baserunner get caught in a rundown between first and second, the second baseman can just run up behind him and unleash a hellacious hip-drop tackle! Forget pitch clocks, this is the new wrinkle the game needed.”
At publishing time, insider reports indicated MLB owners were also considering another exciting new rule change that would allow batters to continue carrying their bats with them while they run the bases.
When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.
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Babylon Bee
Jesus Christ is King
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