LOS ANGELES—Saying the channel would do everything in its power to make up for the writer and producer’s years of toxic, abusive behavior, Nickelodeon announced Thursday that Dan Schneider had been chemically castrated with slime. “While in his powerful position at Nickelodeon, Mr. Schneider harassed child stars and cast them in sexualized scenes, which is why we have elected to sterilize him with a toxic dosage of neon green slime,” said CEO Brian Robbins, adding that the creator of Drake & Josh, iCarly, and Sam & Cat had been tied up and had a large vat of the viscous liquid poured over his body until his testicles shriveled up and his penis fell off. “We sincerely regret allowing Dan to spend years preying on those less powerful than him, and now that the slime has permanently mangled his genitals, we are confident he will never do so again. Rest assured, the procedure was incredibly painful. He will not make the same mistake again.” At press time, Nickelodeon added that Schneider would be forced to carry around a lever and douse himself in slime every six months to ensure that his urges would never return.
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