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WASHINGTON—Having acknowledged that his behavior was completely uncalled for no matter how rude the U.S. populace had acted, Education Secretary Miguel Cardona was fired Wednesday after he reportedly threw a chair at the nation. “Unfortunately, Secretary Cardona got into an argument with the nation yesterday that resulted in him getting up from his desk, yelling profanities, and hurling a piece of furniture in the country’s direction,” said White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who added that while several known troublemakers from across the United States were caught taunting the 48-year-old educator, there was no excuse for physical violence. “As the Secretary of Education, it’s your job to stay cool, calm, and collected while you oversee the teaching of all 340 million Americans, no matter how much they annoy you. We’ve got a very young, impressionable, and attention-starved nation on our hands, and we can’t have them thinking these kinds of outbursts are okay.” At press time, several thousand American citizens were reportedly in big trouble after they were caught throwing a grape at the back of the deputy secretary of education’s head.
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