Taco Bell Introduces New Burrito That Will Do Its Best To Satisfy Hunger, But There Are No Guarantees In This Crazy World

IRVINE, CA—Rolling out the new menu item in a national ad campaign, Taco Bell introduced a limited-time burrito Thursday that will reportedly do its best to satisfy people’s hunger, but there are no guarantees in this crazy world. “Though we’ve done everything in our power to create a burrito that will assuage our customers’ appetites, the fact is, we live in a topsy-turvy world where nothing is certain,” said CEO Sean Tresvant, who speaks directly to the camera in a 45-minute online ad for Taco Bell’s new Cantina Chicken Burrito, offering a detailed explanation of how many variables are at play when it comes to individual satisfaction. “Will you feel satiated after eating $6 worth of slow-roasted chicken, avocado ranch sauce, chipotle cream, lettuce, cabbage, pico de gallo, and cheddar cheese? Well, we at Taco Bell sure hope that’s the case, but the universe involves a near-infinite level of complexity, meaning we can never predict with complete accuracy whether a customer will love a new menu item. Not only is flavor subjective, but the clumsy tools we use to perceive reality—our senses of taste, smell, and so on—provide our minds with only a crude facsimile of the Mexican-inspired food we are handed at the drive-thru window. What we taste is, at best, an inadequately grasped phenomenological experience of a burrito.” At press time, sources confirmed the Cantina Chicken Burrito was about the same as the ones they used to have on the value menu, but it costs, like, three times as much.