The social media site Reddit successfully launched an IPO last week that raised $748 million. The Onion examines what Reddit users can expect now that the company has gone public.
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Girls Will Be Allowed To Log On
Girls Will Be Allowed To Log On
No! Gross!!
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Some Really Great Furry Erotica Will Probably Be Taken Down
Some Really Great Furry Erotica Will Probably Be Taken Down
This isn’t pornography. This is erotic art. It’s like removing a Caravaggio because it depicts the human form in all its pathos and glory. Fucking awful.
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We’re All Going To Be Rich
We’re All Going To Be Rich
Woooooo! Hell yeah!
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Comments Will Cost Users Per Word
Comments Will Cost Users Per Word
Reddit will begin charging users $0.30 for every word they write in a comment, with the bright side being that every 10th word is free.
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Reddit Will Go Out Of Print
Reddit Will Go Out Of Print
A major disappointment for Redditors who preferred the print version of the popular forum, Reddit will now go the way of Seventeen and InStyle and be online only.
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Another Torch Will Be Extinguished By The Rapacious Hands Of Capital
Another Torch Will Be Extinguished By The Rapacious Hands Of Capital
No more illumination for you in the already gloomy world. Darker and darker and darker…
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Some Wall Street Trader Is Going To Get A Beautiful New Manhattan Penthouse
Some Wall Street Trader Is Going To Get A Beautiful New Manhattan Penthouse
There’s even a heated pool on the roof! Not Olympic size, but still! It’ll be great for parties.
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Reddit Will Now Be Covered In Ads For Reddit
Reddit Will Now Be Covered In Ads For Reddit
In an effort to increase revenue and its user base, Reddit will be heavily promoted on Reddit in hopes of increasing traffic to Reddit.
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r/EveryoneWhoInvestsInRedditIsAPedophile Will Be Taken Offline
r/EveryoneWhoInvestsInRedditIsAPedophile Will Be Taken Offline
The popular subreddit will be shuttered without explanation, prompting much confusion.
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Men’s Rights Activists And White Supremacists Will Be Totally Unaffected
Men’s Rights Activists And White Supremacists Will Be Totally Unaffected
As you were, gentlemen!
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The Company Will Change Its Name To Meta
The Company Will Change Its Name To Meta
It just sounds more business-y, you know?
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Reddit Mascot Now Wearing Suit
Reddit Mascot Now Wearing Suit
The Reddit mascot was not in compliance with newly instituted office dress codes and was threatened with immediate termination if it didn’t dress up for potential investors.
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Threatening PMs From Brands
Threatening PMs From Brands
Redditors can expect to see an uptick in death threats and sexual harassment in their personal message inboxes from advertisers like Amazon Prime, Verizon, and Cheez-Its.
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Users’ Computers Will Be Confiscated
Users’ Computers Will Be Confiscated
Sorry, every device used to type on Reddit now belongs to its shareholders.
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The Only Sexual Content That Will Remain On The Site Is A Single Photo Of Alan Alda’s Bare Nipple
The Only Sexual Content That Will Remain On The Site Is A Single Photo Of Alan Alda’s Bare Nipple
And the r/MASH subreddit could not be more thrilled.
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It Will Now Cost $15 Per Month To Send Lewd Messages To Women
It Will Now Cost $15 Per Month To Send Lewd Messages To Women
If you’d like to harass women on the new Reddit, you’ll have to pay a $15/month sexual predator fee.
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No Longer Allowed To Cuss
No Longer Allowed To Cuss
The banned words will range from traditional vulgarities like “fuck” and “bitch” to “idiot,” “hate,” “gay,” and “hump.”
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Reddit CEO Will Personally Moderate All 2 Million Subreddits
Reddit CEO Will Personally Moderate All 2 Million Subreddits
The only way to be sure that the community guidelines are followed is to have CEO Steve Huffman comb through each of the billions of comments on the millions of subreddits one by one.
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They’ll Bring Back r/BeatingWomen
They’ll Bring Back r/BeatingWomen
Hey, if it’s profitable, then it’s profitable.
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The Devil Will Return And Destroy Everyone On Earth
The Devil Will Return And Destroy Everyone On Earth
Once Reddit goes public, Satan will return on his horse and ensure that every living person on the face of the earth is vanquished and dragged down to hell for all eternity.
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Users Will Have To Send In A Pube
Users Will Have To Send In A Pube
In order to verify their identity and confirm they are over 18, users will have to mail a single pube to Reddit HQ.
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An AI-Powered AMA With Mr. Peanut
An AI-Powered AMA With Mr. Peanut
All users’ burning questions about Planters’ all-new rosemary and sea salt cashews can finally be answered.
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Life Simply Won’t Be As Bright, As Colorful As It Once Was
Life Simply Won’t Be As Bright, As Colorful As It Once Was
Suddenly, the fun and joy you originally felt while using a website that really felt it was made for people like you by people like you will be gone forever, only to become a distant memory.
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It Will Still Be A Cesspool Of Perverts, Dorks, And Weirdos
It Will Still Be A Cesspool Of Perverts, Dorks, And Weirdos
Regardless of whether the website is public or private, Reddit will forever be a terrible conglomeration of some of the worst people on the planet.
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r/NoFap Will Be Worth More Than Your House
r/NoFap Will Be Worth More Than Your House
The community page for people who refuse to masturbate will be worth more than the biggest investment you’ll make in your entire life.
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Reddit Could Expand Beyond Its Current 5 Members
Reddit Could Expand Beyond Its Current 5 Members
Should it go public, the fewer than a dozen members on the website might have to allow their small, intimate community to expand.
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You’ve Made It This Far…
You’ve Made It This Far…
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