Nation’s Ex-Boyfriends Drunk As Hell

WASHINGTON—Saying their numbers had been blocked so showing up unannounced was their only option, several concerned sources confirmed this week that the nation’s ex-boyfriends were drunk as hell. “Babe, please, I promise I didn’t mean whatever it was I said or did, and I’ve changed, see?” said an inebriated Jason Wineberg, who, with tens of millions of other men of all ages, took large swigs from a Colt 45, smashed the bottle on the ground, and proclaimed that they know they deserved this, but it was an accident and it would never happen again. “Look, baby, I know I fucked up, I fucked up real bad, and I feel really fucking bad about it, see? But I’m better now! Wait a second. Do you have someone else in there? Who is he? I’ll fucking kill him.” At press time, the nation’s ex-boyfriends began to sway, call their ex-girlfriends ungrateful sluts, and throw sloppy punches at each other before ultimately falling to their knees, crying, and drunkenly stumbling into traffic.