Supreme Court Justices Can Barely Hear Oral Arguments Over Upstairs Neighbor’s Loud Music

WASHINGTON—Straining to make out the plaintiff’s response to their queries as the pounding house beat sent plaster falling from the chamber’s ceiling, the justices of the U.S. Supreme Court reported Friday that they could barely hear oral arguments in the case of Becerra v. San Carlos Apache Tribe over their upstairs neighbor’s loud music. “And is it the litigant’s claim that the motivating factor here is that…that…oh, for Christ’s sake, I can’t hear myself think with this racket,” said Chief Justice John Roberts, banging his gavel to demand an immediate halt to the bass-heavy acid house album and joining the other justices in a unanimous opinion that they needed to get in touch with their landlord to ask for their adjoining tenant to respect the quiet hours in their lease. “I’m sorry, and you said the 13th Amendment? Or was that thirtieth? I genuinely didn’t catch that entire last sentence. This music is driving me out of my mind. Let’s have the bailiff pound on the ceiling again with a broom. Who listens to shit like this at nine in the morning?” At press time, the justices had resumed questions during a sudden pause in the music only for oral arguments to be interrupted by the audible creak of their upstairs neighbors fucking.