OTTAWA – The passion play produced by Ottawa’s St. Francis Xavier Church has drawn attention and controversy this year by crucifying a total stud, according to aroused sources.
“Dang, I see our Lord and Savior hasn’t skipped leg day,” said one anonymous parishioner. “He certainly has me feeling passionate. Heck, Pilate’s not too shabby this year either.”
“I wish I was the one getting nailed,” sighed another onlooker. “But it feels sacrilegious and sexually confusing to have such a smokin’ hot saviour. Can’t someone uglier die for our sins?”
2024’s Christ is played by Alex Chapman, a 37-year-old dentist and active gym member with strong ties to his community and strong, rippling muscles all over his body.
“Alex’s local theatre experience and deep knowledge of the gospels made him an obvious choice for this year’s play,” said Father Duvall. “I do wish more people were focused on contemplating the nature of sacrifice and redemption, but with church attendance declining I suppose a little beefcake to get butts in seats won’t hurt.”
While the trial of Jesus unfolded like usual, unrest began to spread throughout the crowd as Chapman shed some of his clothes during his sufferings, culminating in horny observers shouting “Take it off!” at the loincloth-clad Jesus.
“Alex has a nice face, sure, but I figured eh, another year, another dadbod Christ, you know?” said long-time churchgoer Emily Vernon. “Then his tunic slipped off while he was carrying his cross to the softball field we’re using as Golgotha, and yowza. Now that’s a man whose commandments I’d obey.”
Vernon then told reporters she’d “certainly like to see him rise in three days, if you know what I mean” before clarifying that she was referring to his penis.
Some, however, have objected to the inappropriate attention Christ is receiving.
“I know that as the impenitent thief I’m sort of the heel here, but gosh-darn-it, I’ve been working out too,” said one of the other crucified men. “Where are my groupies? Anyone out there looking for a bit of a theological bad boy?”
When asked for comment on the horndogs interrupting his raw expression of faith with their judgemental jeering, Chapman said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not how thirsty they are.”
Jesus Christ is King
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