WASHINGTON—Recoiling in horror as the shirtless 26-year-old man stood hunched over the kitchen counter, all 340 million Americans shuddered Monday at the wet sounds of a local roommate eating eggs. “Oh my God, how can one man eat so many eggs, and do it so loudly?” said resident Jeff Stentson, adding that he and the entire nation were nauseous after the gruff, off-putting man licked his fingers and moaned while he sucked down several hard-boiled eggs. “Jesus. How many eggs has he eaten in the past 10 minutes? Six? Seven? Worst of all, the whole country reeks of sulfur right now. Frankly, I don’t know how the sewers are even going to be able to handle it when he has to shit it out.” At press time, the nation was holding back vomit when the roommate held out his wet, yolk-covered hand and asked the U.S. populace if they wanted some.
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