Subway Admits Chicken And Bacon Ranch Melt Also Sexually Attracted To Children

SHELTON, CT—Saying it had severed all ties with the sandwich in the wake of disturbing new evidence from a federal investigation, the fast food franchise Subway confirmed Monday that its Chicken and Bacon Ranch Melt was also sexually attracted to children and facing prison time for its abuse of minors. “Sadly, it appears that one of our most popular subs is a serial predator who has engaged in illicit sexual conduct with underage victims,” said a company spokesperson, stressing that Subway officials were completely unaware the combination of tender chicken strips, tasty bacon, and melted cheese had been targeting children for years when they began featuring it in commercials and other branding for the restaurant chain. “Obviously, it is very upsetting for us to once more have to address such horrific crimes, this time at the hands of a menu item every bit as familiar to our customers as a person who appeared in hundreds of our TV commercials. And there was of course also the unfortunate incident in 2009 when a sandwich maker’s discarded plastic glove touched a child in an inappropriate manner.” According to law enforcement officials, the Subway Chicken and Bacon Ranch Melt has been in custody since an FBI raid of its toppings found a large collection of child pornography under a layer of lettuce and green peppers.