Best Parts Of Trump’s $60 ‘God Bless The USA’ Bible

The MAGA loyalist and Hercules: The Legendary Journeys star provides insightful historical notes throughout.

The grease stains appearing midway through the Gospel of Mark were only made on a few copies, which are now limited-edition collector’s items.

Other Bibles just gloss over this miracle.

In order to make them seem less Jewish, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob now go by Tucker, Rudy, and Ted Nugent.

The edited scripture stresses Jesus never would’ve died if Jerusalem had a strong border wall.

Amberlee is a barely legal dancer out of Sarasota, Florida.

Nestled within the “terms and conditions” is a clause that states purchase of the Bible makes the owner legally culpable in all future cases brought against Trump, whether civil or criminal.

If God Almighty says Trump shot a 67, then it must be true.

The inside cover includes a set of easy-strike matches for burning all heretical, non-Trump versions of the Bible.

He got ahold of a few copies, sorry.

For an extra $20 you can get one that says adultery is okay.

Apparently Christ the Lord would’ve gladly hung Mike Pence.

If you read closely enough you will see that the former president is a descendant of Jacob and will live to be 248 years old.

Copies of the U.S. military’s nuclear launch codes can be found midway through Leviticus in most copies.

Part of the effort to collect all the most significant spiritual texts in one place.

The Trump New Testament includes never-before-seen books including the Gospels of Eric, Tiffany, and Boebert.

Too Jewish.