Nation’s Lapsed College Friends Announce Plans To Mistakenly Text You About Splitting An 8 Ball

SAN DIEGO—In an ill-advised effort to reduce the costs of blow, the nation’s lapsed college friends announced plans Tuesday to mistakenly text you about splitting an eighth of an ounce of cocaine. “Although we haven’t spoken in 11 years, please be advised that at some point in the near future we will be accidentally sending you a text that says ‘u in for 8 ball?’ followed by ‘ha whoops, jk,’” said 31-year-old Bobby “Bibs” Kasabian, who spoke on behalf of all former acquaintances from the nation’s partying days and confirmed the message would likely arrive completely out of the blue in the early morning hours of a random weekday, appearing on your phone below the last text exchange you had in 2013. “Between the hours of 1 and 4 a.m., please be advised that our autofill will place your information in the recipient field of this invitation instead of our current buddy’s, whose name happens to start with the same first two letters as yours. Once you have woken up for work the next morning and responded with a question mark, we will reply approximately seven hours later in a way that tries to play the whole thing off as a conscious joke. You will from that point on never hear from us again, only being reminded of us from a mutual pal when we inevitably die by driving our cars into a lake on our way to buy cat food in the middle of the night.” A number of the lapsed college friends also added that they might follow up the text by asking if you knew anywhere to get cocaine, despite knowing that you no longer reside in the same state they do.