Sobbing Conservationists Announce Atlantic Halibut On Their Own Now After Falling Out

GLOUCESTER, MA—Struggling to articulate through streams of tears, sobbing conservationists from the National Marine Fisheries Service announced Wednesday that endangered Atlantic halibut were on their own now after the two species had a huge falling out. “We’re really done this time—those demersal assholes are on their own,” said visibly distraught environmentalist Morgan Flynn, who reportedly made a big show of blocking the member of the flounder family on all social media and renaming their contact in his phone as “Dead to Me.” “There. Let’s see how long those ungrateful, flat-faced narcissists last now that they’ve pushed us—the only ones who love them—away. I hope they’re happy. I know all Pleuronectidae are stubborn, but Atlantic halibut definitely take the cake. Frankly, they deserve to go extinct after taking that tone with us. You give and you give and you give, and this is how an overfished creature with pelagic larvae repays you? Stupid fucking jerks. We’re not going to let them treat us the way the Okaloosa darter used to—we deserve respect.” At press time, the conservationists were observed sobbing even harder after hearing the Atlantic halibut had already been seen hanging out with the World Wildlife Fund.