WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden threatened to end U.S. aid to Israel unless the IDF complies with a new demand to fight the rest of the war against Gaza armed with only Nerf guns.
“It’s Nerf or nothin’!” Biden exclaimed during a brief call to Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “You can attack Hamas with the old school revolver, the bow and arrow, heck you can use a gatling gun — so long as all the bullets are Nerf! You hear me, Bibi?!”
Netanyahu reportedly laughed in response.
President Biden has previously said his support of Israel is unwavering, but pressure from “The Squad,” a group of ultra-liberal members of Congress, may be the straw that broke the camel’s back. According to sources, Rep Rashida Tlaib of Michigan threatened to hold up an angry sign about Joe Biden if he didn’t change his position.
“We’re coming for you, Joe!” Tlaib and other members of the squad were heard saying at a local Denny’s. “You need our support to win re-election! There are dozens of us! Dozens!”
Though Netanyahu was not particularly receptive to the demand, sources within the Israel Defense Force (IDF) indicate they are testing the viability of Nerf weaponry anyway because it’s so fun.
We were able to get an exclusive peak at a Nerf training exercise:
Soldier 1: [combatant dives while simultenously firing from a Nerf DinosSquad Dino-Clash Blaster] Pew pew! I got you!
Soldier 2: Nuh-uh! It bounced off my N-Strike Tactical Vest. I’m still alive!
At publishing time, IDF soldiers commenced a ground invasion of Rafah, reportedly still carrying a few Nerf Modulus Demolishers just for kicks.
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