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TEWKSBURY, NJ — Tremors were felt throughout the region as Jews dug their secret tunnels too deep and accidentally unearthed a Balrog.
The demon of the ancient world, which had slumbered deep beneath the surface of Jersey for ages, was awakened after a group of orthodox Jews worked to expand its network of hidden underground tunnels.
“We needed to excavate a new wing of tunnels… but we dug too greedily and too deep,” said Avi Friedman, who was part of the digging project. “We were getting closer to where we needed to go when we started to hear ominous noises. Drums, drums in the deep. That’s when the shaking began.”
Residents throughout the region were terrified as the 4.8-magnitude earthquake rumbled the surrounding communities. The Jewish excavation team reported one lone man stood against the Balrog to save the rest of the crew. “He bravely prevented the hideous demon from advancing and allowed the rest of us to escape,” Friedman said. “He shouted something about not letting him pass, and we ran out of the tunnels. Oy vey! Were it not for brave Gandalf Goldman, we’d all be cooked!”
At publishing time, reports were circulating that Gandalf Goldman had reappeared at his synagogue identifying himself as Gandalf Goldman the White.
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