THE HEAVENS—In a statement addressed to individuals at risk of having their access to life on earth permanently revoked, God, the Almighty Creator, confirmed Monday that He would soon delete millions of humans due to inactivity. “To my dear creations, per My all-seeing eye, you have not been an active participant in the human race since Feb. 5, 2015,” a voice from on high bellowed to Justin Buller, 35, of Nashua, NH, one of an estimated 700 million people who received similar messages, which cited a service agreement for use of the planet under which the Lord God is said to retain the right to delete any and all of His creations who fail to do anything of value with their lives. “If you wish to continue living on your current plane of existence, please drop to your knees and pray to the heavens within the next 30 days; otherwise, your body, mind, and soul will be removed from the cosmos for all time. And since you haven’t done anything with your life, no evidence you once lived will remain behind when you’re gone. This is your final warning. You will not be able to recover your place on earth once the grace period has expired.” At press time, God had sent numerous blights, plagues, and floods to free up extra space in the universe.
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