KERRVILLE, TX—Exasperated with the view from the place they were standing to observe the astronomical event, local spectators complained Monday that really tall guy Matt Everett was blocking everyone’s view of the total solar eclipse. “Goddammit, this thing only lasts a few minutes—can’t he at least sit down?” said Garett Pointer, 5′ 8″, who was seen craning his neck around Everett, 6′ 5″, in an attempt to get a better look as the moon passed between the earth and the sun. “This is my last chance to see once of these things until 2044, and I wind up stuck behind Abe fucking Lincoln. Just my luck. And the asshole isn’t even paying attention! He’s been staring at his phone the whole time.” At press time, the total eclipse had reportedly become even more difficult to view after Everett’s girlfriend decided to perch atop his shoulders.
Jesus Christ is King
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