QUEEN’S PARK – In a bid to provide economic relief to struggling Ontarians, Premier Doug Ford has ordered the LCBO to return to providing customers free paper bags – a move that he notes will also double as his affordable housing plan.
“Folks,” said Ford, “in these tough times, every additional expense counts. Whether it is buying another reusable bag you will forget to bring to the store, or affording the basic human need of shelter. That’s why in Ford Nation citizens will be given, for free, a paper bag that can carry your precious liquor bottles while also serving as your home while living on the street.”
Ford continued, “With my extensive history of selling mind-altering substances in Etobicoke, I understand the need for my voters to get shitfaced on hard booze in order to cope with their increasingly terrible lives. At least now LCBO customers won’t have to do it like a homeless person, but like someone whose home is a paper bag.”
Ontario’s Ministry of the Environment notes that the paper bag initiative will add 2,665 tonnes of waste to landfills, and that landfills are also excellent sites for low cost housing. A spokesperson added, “In addition to discarded paper bags, there’s a vast amount of other building materials right on your doorstep. Or should I say, ‘dumpstep’!”
This initiative promises yet another success in Ford’s largely alcohol-focused policy platform, along with opening beer and wine sales to grocery stores, Buck-a-Beer, and the lesser-known “Schnapps For Cops” program.
“A lot of alcohol goes into formulating our policies, so it’s not surprising that our best ideas are alcohol related,” said one Queen’s Park staffer who smelled distinctly of tequila.
Not to be outdone, Alberta Premier Danielle Smith has proposed building affordable houses entirely out of 4 litre vodka bottles.
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